wicked game | deep in thought

i'm on a self journey to find inner peace and serenity. 

i feel like i have lost a lot of people close to me in the past few months and am now living in fear and being overprotective of those i have in my life now. some for understandable reasons, but others for complicated and misunderstood reasons. perhaps this dependency is because of my traveling background; always moving from place to place and having to say more goodbyes than hellos. you'd think at this point in my life change would be easier for me, but instead it just gets more and more painful. i'm at a good place where i love who i am and where i am at. i have an abundance of close friends and am closer to my family than ever before. but then again, maybe this is because fear brings us together--makes you more thankful for what you have. therefore the closer i get to people the more afraid i am to have them taken away so instead of letting nature take its course i drive them away on my own. i'm overbearing and overprotective in unexpected ways. now that i have this down in words i have no other excuse to try to change it. i'm done saying goodbye before i say hello. and no longer will i hold on to things that need to be let free.

i traveled home unexpectedly a few days ago to deal out all of these emotions. i needed the fresh air, the warmth of a wood stove, and the company of family during these tough and emotional times. whether it be from the high stress and sadness caused by an unnecessary illness implicated on someone so dear to my heart, or how i am missing my one year old little brother who's growing up so fast he barely recognizes me every time i walk through the door, or perhaps its just the fact i have fear of losing people, or the sadness i feel for pushing them away. 

i'm in the process of improving myself. due to my currently empty wallet (student problems), rather than shopping (my usual method of therapy) i literally spent 99% of my time these past few days in the kitchen. (full disclosure, there may have been some online shopping done too--arthur george socks you are finally mine). there is something about kneading bread and punching dough that makes you realize everything is going to be ok--even if everything is pointing in the other direction. we all have problems, we all feel stress and sadness, anger and pain. but i have to remember we all have the ability to feel happiness, but that emotion is up to us to find. 

these words are not intended for anyone in particular, though i'm sure some may find closure. but they are meant for me. this is my way of letting go and moving forward.

in my search for this inner peace, i have officially signed up for yoga once again (i used to go regularly until i moved into the city and couldn't find a homey place). i researched and created a check-list of everywhere i want to go/ everything i want to see while in boston this semester. therefore i never have an excuse to dwell on the hardships currently facing my family and i. i also have a two and half month trip to london to look forward to this summer. and above all else, despite how busy i usually am, i will always find time to paint and sketch. i am happiest when i create. 

i have surrounded myself with things that make me happy. being a foodie, anything to do with bread and/ or is french pretty much makes me glow. (dont worry, i'm hitting the gym as soon as i get back).

thank you for listening to my rant and allowing me to share my thoughts. x

xxxo

damn i love you

happy sunday! it is a productive sunday for moi. ive been packing for my return to the city and getting mentally prepared for the golden globes tonight (am i the only one who is more excited for the pre-show red carpet then the actual award show?) i simply cannot wait to see who everyone is wearing this evening. but until then ill be spending today with the family, all cozied up in my new favorite sweater.

vintage sweater, american apparel jeans, h&m booties.

i am obsessed with my new boots, h&m did well. 

as you very well may know, i spend 99% of my time awake either looking at art or making art so i thought it was be fun to show you my studio space where i paint and keep my favorite treasures. 

i am quite the stars wars fanatic so a few months ago i painted jango fett. 

my desk is always covered, i never actually use it to be honest. instead i pile on travel books, my sketches, inspiration books, and random knick knacks i pick up from time to time and fall in love with. i draw a lot of profiles, as pictured. and i just finished a few pages in my inspo art dedicated to tony alva and jay adams and the iconic z-boys. confession: i am well invested in the art of skating culture, i even skate from time to time. 

and here is my night stand. i picked up the print from a street vender in paris and have carried it with me through five moves across countries and states. pictured: kate spade's 2014 planner, i couldn't live without it--it has saved my life numerous times. my journal and alexa chung's "it". fun fact: i buy a cute knick knack from every art museum i go to, its a growing collection. this mug is from the MFA in boston and i adore it. 

on a complete side note, lately i have been listening to a lot of keaton henson and i would recommend his music to anyone who likes beautiful lyrics and an soothing acoustic sound. my favorite song of his is "you".  and for now i will leave you with poindexter, who made me shiver with these words.

xxxo

an old country thanksgiving

we hosted thanksgiving this year and it was a lovely day. not only was it a joyous day of good food and good tidings, but it was also my brother's birthday. needless to say, it was a day full of love and cheer (and cake, pie, and lots of turkey). my parents are both old souls (despite their young ages). they love refurbished vintage furniture, records, pyrex, antique books, farms, and their old colonial home. welcome to our new england, country-style thanksgiving in black & white. 

my ma put a huge chalkboard in the entry of the home-- i absolutely adore drawing on it. 

my latest creation:

what i wore: 

vintage christian dior dress (one of my favorite thrifting finds), american appeal tights, black booties (i can't remember where i got them, naughty, i know).

i feel so blessed today; what a wonderful family i have. i hope everyone's day was grand! i look forward to reading about everyday's day; i am thankful for blogging. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

xxxo

family + food | nh

i have had a rough week, i apologize for the lack of posts. my boyfriend of two years and i broke up and it has took quite a toll on me. the emptiness feeling mixed with an immense load of course work and actual work has been exhausting. i removed myself from the chaos of the city and traveled to nh to regroup. it has been extremely good for me. i spent the weekend cooking and bonding with 4/5 of my siblings (oldest lives in texas). Bubby and i had a star wars marathon, i worked on my little sister's 5th grade science project all day saturday (i know more about a plant cell than i should), and S and i just read books and had dance parties. children truly help you realize what you should be thankful for. i can't wait to have some of my own
(i'm aiming for 9). 

this is S, you've met before but i just can't get enough of him.

i'd like you to meet Bubby, he is the class clown of the family. it is hard to scold him because he just makes you laugh while you try. at least he is a good student. 

i made chicken & dumplings for dinner kudos to the pioneer woman. i would definitely recommend her recipe:

 The Pioneer Woman Cooks | Chicken & Dumplings

(photo taken from link above) 

my mama made bread, it was maple oat and certainly delicious (as is everything she makes)

it was a lovely weekend. i shall be up and about early tomorrow for my trip back to the city. little breaks from the chaos helps you appreciate it more.

xxxo

garlic and rosemary sweet potato fries

today was another lovely day. i enjoyed errands and sushi with my little sister early afternoon and then continued to slave in the kitchen making dinner for my large family (willingly of course) for the rest of the day.

i made a variation of turkish food, i grew up in turkey and miss it everyday. food is a great reminder of the great country. i made lamb gyros with tzatziki sauce and roasted italian peppers. i very much love turkish style gyros.

 a little hint for turkish cooking: you could never use too much garlic or too much olive oil. 

i couldn't resist making my sweet potato fries with this meal, i found a bag of sweet potatoes in the pantry and went to work.

garlic and rosemary sweet potato fries

recipe: 

ingredients

• 3 medium sweet potatoes, cut into fries (not too thin, 1/2 in thick should do)
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 sprig rosemary, leaves finely chopped
• sea salt and freshly ground pepper
• 3 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• 2 Tbsp parsley, finely chopped

directions

• preheat the oven to 425 degrees
• in a large bowl toss sweet potatoes with olive oil 
• add garlic, salt, pepper, and rosemary 
• spread in a single layer on a baking sheet (line baking sheet with aluminum foil)
• bake between 25-40 minutes or until crispy (depending on desired thickness)
• check often, tossing 2 or 3 times during baking
• remove from oven and sprinkle with more salt and parsley

i hope you enjoy this fabulous recipe as much as i do! 

xxxo

nature walks | nh

new hampshire is a beautiful place. i love the woodsy aroma and seeing smoke drift away from chimney tops. normally it would be much (much) colder at this point in the year, but for some reason this october feels like may. i won't complain. i went with my family on a nature hike today. we got wonderfully lost in the woods but it was perfect. my brother and sister each found hiking sticks and we trucked through the abyss pretending we were old pioneers. my mother kept the adventure going tricking them into thinking we were lost and they needed to find our way back--they loved the excitement (as did i). 

Tru has an infatuation with acorns and what he calls perfect 'leafses'. fall makes him excited, he has so many leaves to choose from.

needless to say we had fun. its nice to step away from the busyness of the city and smell fresh air.

i'm in the mood to bake and watch julie and juila. perhaps ill do both. toodles.

xxxo