i'm on a self journey to find inner peace and serenity.
i feel like i have lost a lot of people close to me in the past few months and am now living in fear and being overprotective of those i have in my life now. some for understandable reasons, but others for complicated and misunderstood reasons. perhaps this dependency is because of my traveling background; always moving from place to place and having to say more goodbyes than hellos. you'd think at this point in my life change would be easier for me, but instead it just gets more and more painful. i'm at a good place where i love who i am and where i am at. i have an abundance of close friends and am closer to my family than ever before. but then again, maybe this is because fear brings us together--makes you more thankful for what you have. therefore the closer i get to people the more afraid i am to have them taken away so instead of letting nature take its course i drive them away on my own. i'm overbearing and overprotective in unexpected ways. now that i have this down in words i have no other excuse to try to change it. i'm done saying goodbye before i say hello. and no longer will i hold on to things that need to be let free.
i traveled home unexpectedly a few days ago to deal out all of these emotions. i needed the fresh air, the warmth of a wood stove, and the company of family during these tough and emotional times. whether it be from the high stress and sadness caused by an unnecessary illness implicated on someone so dear to my heart, or how i am missing my one year old little brother who's growing up so fast he barely recognizes me every time i walk through the door, or perhaps its just the fact i have fear of losing people, or the sadness i feel for pushing them away.
i'm in the process of improving myself. due to my currently empty wallet (student problems), rather than shopping (my usual method of therapy) i literally spent 99% of my time these past few days in the kitchen. (full disclosure, there may have been some online shopping done too--arthur george socks you are finally mine). there is something about kneading bread and punching dough that makes you realize everything is going to be ok--even if everything is pointing in the other direction. we all have problems, we all feel stress and sadness, anger and pain. but i have to remember we all have the ability to feel happiness, but that emotion is up to us to find.
these words are not intended for anyone in particular, though i'm sure some may find closure. but they are meant for me. this is my way of letting go and moving forward.
in my search for this inner peace, i have officially signed up for yoga once again (i used to go regularly until i moved into the city and couldn't find a homey place). i researched and created a check-list of everywhere i want to go/ everything i want to see while in boston this semester. therefore i never have an excuse to dwell on the hardships currently facing my family and i. i also have a two and half month trip to london to look forward to this summer. and above all else, despite how busy i usually am, i will always find time to paint and sketch. i am happiest when i create.
i have surrounded myself with things that make me happy. being a foodie, anything to do with bread and/ or is french pretty much makes me glow. (dont worry, i'm hitting the gym as soon as i get back).
thank you for listening to my rant and allowing me to share my thoughts. x